


Love Comes Like Snowflake

by Ibby_rose



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-10
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-08-07 21:00:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7729543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ibby_rose/pseuds/Ibby_rose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To Harry Styles, love comes like snowflakes. He reaches out his hand to catch them but they always melt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Comes Like Snowflake

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. So um. This is my first and my last fanfic for this fandom. I started this fic a very long time ago, when louis is still with eleanor, when liam is still with dani, way before zayn left, way before louis' becoming a father. I used too much reference on 'Perks of Being A Wallflower' by Stephen Chbosky, and few from 'The Fault of Our Stars' by John Green, mentions of Harry Potter by JKR, and, 50 Shades of Grey by ELJ. the story is told in past and present alternatively, hope you wont get confuse, and is originally titled 'As I look at her'. I am not satisfied with this fic, and I think im gonna cringe from now on because of this. but, i post this anyway, because if i wait for that satisfaction to come, i dont this will ever be posted. I hope you enjoy.

I looked at her as she laughed hard at things she had said. And I smiled.

Remember, when I said she changed me? I want to amend that.

No, she didn’t change me. In fact I didn’t change at all. I am still me. Harry Styles.

So, I wanted to change that comment.

She doesn’t change me.

She found me.

+

It’s raining outside, as I watch from the window. We’re in the car, just finished another show, another concert.  Niall and Zayn are asleep, and Louis is texting and smiling, maybe to Eleanor – it’s pretty impressive that they are still together for five years now, and so is Liam and Dani, and they are together more than 'Elounor' couple. So, no surprise there. And Liam, he is tweeting – again no surprise there. After all these years we are together – more number 1 albums, winning more awards, sold out concerts – they are all still the same. And I’m so happy because of that. I’m more than happy since we are One Direction for more than six years now.

I watch outside as the New Yorkers running and trying to find shelter from the rain, and some just don’t care about the rain. Some are still searching for an umbrella in their big bags, though in my opinion, it’s too late now because they are already soaking wet. Some look far too happy that the day is raining, and some look mad, even I can make out the cussing words they are saying. It’s somehow funny watching them, because, they are so in their own world that they forget somewhere, there are people watching them, observing their movements. I don’t mean it like a stalker way of observing. That would be creepy. I mean, maybe there is a writer there watching people trying to get inspiration. Or maybe there is a person who is just watching them, trying to figure out how they live their lives, wondering are they happy? Sad? Are they just broken up with their girlfriends or boyfriends? Or are having some difficulties in finding partners. Or may be looking for jobs. Or maybe, they are still looking for something and trying to figure out why they are here on the earth, why they live.

I smile and sigh softly, and watch as my breath misting the car’s window. I squint my eyes and rub a bit at the mist. Tempting by the mist, I bring my hand to write that name that come to my mind. Almost. Because, I quickly shake my head and stop at mid-H, before my hand goes to the ring on my necklace.

“Hey Harry”

“Hmm?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.” I turn and look at Liam, and smile reassuringly at him.

He nods and smile at me before going back to his phone.

Yeah, I’m fine. And smile to myself as I watch the pouring rain.

+

It was raining that day, and I decided to take a walk. I know a walk in the rain might be sound off, but it was the only chance I could go outside without being mobbed by fans. Because who in their right mind wandering in the rain.  Except for me, but that was a different case.

So, I walked in the rain, with my beanie and curls tucked hidden underneath it. The rain was pouring heavily now, and I started to regret my decision. Perhaps, walking in the rain was a bad idea. I was too far to turn back now and I was soaking wet. Might as well I enjoy the moment.

I walked into the coffee shop and ordered a take away hot caramel macchiato. I drank and felt a rushed of warmth through my body. Perfect. And continue my walk.

I walked while drinking, watching people running and walking around me, to hide from the rain. I laughed suddenly, seeing all of these. And it silly really, because I was drinking the hot drink in the cold rain. It’s stupid and fun, because I got to be silly for a little while.

Minutes later, I found myself at the park. It’s empty. I rarely saw the park empty. There are always children running, chasing each other, and playing, and parents shouting as they watch their children, and couple laughing and made out. But now, it was empty. As I stood there, I looked at the sky, letting the rain hitting my face. I smiled. This was the first time I felt like a normal person, didn’t have anything to worry about, no fans, no bodyguards, no cameras. Just me and the rain.

I turned and started to walk to find a bench to sit on. While it rained, I wanted to enjoy this alone time as best as I could.

That’s the time when I found I was wrong. The park wasn’t empty. There is a girl sitting on the bench, and by the look of her white hoodie white thoroughly, she’s been sitting here for a little while. Then, she brought her hands on her face, like she was wiping tears from her face. But I couldn’t be sure, since it was raining. And before I knew it, my feet brought me to the girl, and before I realized what I was doing, my mouth started to talk.

“Hey, er, are you okay?”

She stopped her hands, put them on her laps, and looked at me. Now, I could see her clearly, she was pretty. Brown eyes, black long hair, full lips. Not the prettiest, believe me, I had seen lots of pretty girls out there, but I was sure she got the attention from boys. Or girls if that was the case.

“Yeah. I think,” she said, turned her head to look at the front. Then she laughed. A small laugh. The kind of laugh that seemed like you don’t believe in what you are saying.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“I don’t know. Do wanna hear it?” She looked at me and smirked.

I shrugged.

“It just…”she paused and I sat next to her, and waited for what she was going to say next. “It just, they were not together in the end…”

“Oh” I really didn’t know what to say to that. Talking to a stranger about relationship?

“Well, you asked.” She laughed. “It just that, they were so stupid to tell they love each other and finally they ended up not being together. And the end it just so … sad.” She looked at her hands as they opened and let the palms face up, feeling the rain.

“And the man,” She continued, “he has a son, four years old. And the son asked him. ‘Daddy, what is love?’ A four years old child, asking what is love?! Can’t you believe it!!”

She looked at me as I listened. I just looked at her. Not moving. Because, one, I honestly didn't know what was this all about from the start, and two, even me myself didn’t know what is love. The exact definition of love. Sure, I met girls and boys here and there, having relationships with them, being intimate with them, but, is it love? Sure, I had my fair share of feeling the butterflies in my stomach, the beating-too-fast-than-normal heartbeat, but, is it love? And I was at what age now compared to a small child asking that?

“And you know what the man answered his son?” Without waiting for my answer, she went on “He said, love is wanting and giving, that love is the two sides of the same coin.”

As she spoke those words, silence came. It’s not comfortable. It’s not uncomfortable either. I didn’t know what to say to that. Maybe, it was because I never thought of love like that. Maybe, it was because I just found what the meaning of love is.  Maybe.

She just looked at her hands, and I watched her looking at her hands. She might be crying again, but I couldn’t be sure.

“That. When you find love, keep it. Take a hold of it and never let go. Hug it close to your heart and always keep it there… Or else you’ll regret it every day… Never let love passes you by… Because it … hurts. It hurts terribly when you do…”

She then lifted her face from her hands and look at the front. Silence. And I didn’t know for sure whether she was telling stories of the stupid couple as she remarked earlier and the 4 years old son, or she was talking about herself, her own story, or whether she was just giving me advice. I wasn’t sure anymore. I wasn't sure in the first place after all.

We sat for a while. My macchiato was cold now. And the sunshine started to show, peeking behind the clouds.

“Oh well. Sorry about that.” She stood up and turned to me. “Nice talking to you” She smiled.

I stood “Yeah”.

“Wait.” I raised my eyebrow as to ask what, and we stared at each other for a moment. I saw her expressions, frowning, confused, then shocked before she gasped, “Are you Harry Styles? You are, aren’t you?!!”

I smiled and just shrugged.

“Oh my fucking hell” she mumbled.

“What’s that?”

“Oh. Nothing. Just. Sorry. About that. Nice meeting you. And talking to you. Personally. Err..” She then searched her bag, and put out a book, a story book and a pen. She flipped open the cover quickly before I could read the title of the book. She handed me the book and the pen. “Could you.. uh..”

“Oh” I chuckled, took the pen and signed the book.

“Thanks.” She said, as she put them in her bag. “Uh. I gotta go. Bye” And walked backward for a few steps, waved her hand, smiled and turned around, walking home, perhaps.

I turned and walked the opposite way to go back to my apartment. It wasn’t after three blocks away did I remember. I never got her name.

It didn’t bother me. She was just a stranger. Which I found rather strange – who would, after all talking about love and relationship and … things. To a stranger, nevertheless. Though, it was me who approached her first. But, that’s not the point. It just too confusing for me. I tried to take away all of the memories of that conversation.

However, as I closed the door of my apartment, the faint traces of her voice still lingered in my ears. Like the voice of a ghost inside a haunted, lonely house.

“What is love?” the voice asked.

+

 “Harry. We’re here. Wake up.” Then I feel that person knock my head. I groaned and he laughs. That’s Louis.

As soon as Liam opened the van’s door, I hear the screaming of fans. Nothing new. We walk quickly to the hotel entrance, waving and smiling here and there as we walk.

“I’m hungry” Niall said as soon we stepped into the hotel. “My tummy is rumbling.”

“C’mon, let’s eat.” Zayn said, and he walks with Niall.

Liam starts to follow but stops when he realizes Louis and I walking the other way.“You guys aren’t coming?”

“Nah. I just want to sleep.” Louis stretches and yawns as he answered Liam.

“Harry?”

“I think I’m just gonna go to my room.”

“Okay. See you guys later.” Liam then jogs to the other two.

Louis and I then walk to the lift. We talk and laugh. And talk some more, until we reach our rooms. We are at opposite of each other. “See ya, Haz”

As I close the door, I drag my feet to the window. The rain already stop, but the city is still wet. I look down, and greeted by a familiar sight. A sight I have accustomed to seeing for my whole life as a member of the One Direction. I watch as people start to cover the almost empty streets now that the rain has stopped. There is a constant stream of people on the sidewalk with a thousand different things on their mind. They are like ants from where I stood, bumping each other, shoulders touching and sometimes breathing each others' scents. As I stand watching, I wonder what she loves about looking at these people.

I then step away from the window, and feel the tiredness of the day. Maybe I really should go sleep. I strip, leaving only the boxers and shuffle to the bed before darkness overtake me.

+

I was cutting vegetables in the kitchen, since it was my turned to make dinner. It’s been months since we decided to live together, (we met through some unexpected miracle, and here we were) which caused such a chaos – the fans were crazy and the paps were happy to make stories. The apartment was now full of her things, especially books. I think, she had more books than her clothes, and she really liked shopping for clothes. That’s saying something.

There was one box, though, that she brought when she moved in. We put it on the closet in the bedroom, long forgotten since. When she brought it in, she didn’t let me touched or even looked what was inside. She said, she didn’t want to leave them behind because they were important to her. She flushed tomato red though, enough to make me curious.

“C’mon, what is it?”

“Nothing.”

“Oh, c’mon”

“Really, it’s nothing”

I did manage to look inside when I finally caught her after chasing each other around the apartment. And I laughed so hard, because the box was full of posters, albums, live tours DVDs, pictures, and merchandises of us, One Direction.  I knew from that on, that she was one of our fans, and since then, she started, shyly at first, to sing our song; when she cooked, when she doing house chores, when she finished reading books, and it was always fun when I sang together with her. Where it never fails to always ended with laughters.

Now, while I preparing the dinner, she spent the entire time staring at the stream of people passing by. One of her habits.

“Why do you keep looking outside the window? I don’t see anything interesting. They are just nameless persons, if you ask me.”

“It still leaves me amazed at how lovers find each other in this busy world, full of equally busy strangers, don’t you think so?” She explained moment later as we stood watching from the window. She was leaning forward, hands gripping the windowpanes. Her eyes wide and keen.

The memory of our first meeting was like an old photograph now in my mind. Blurred around the edges and blotched on the surface. There were a few clear parts though, like an afternoon in a park, a rainy day, and story which had love and coin and never let go. They were like lost pieces of a puzzle that I had lost interest in trying to piece together. In my mind, the day we met is and always will be just a withered page in my memories.

But I know for a fact, that, in the deepest corners of my heart, memories of her still hold a place of their own, because there are some things that the heart will always remember long after the mind forgets. And in that same manner, there are feelings that the heart knows no matter how strong the mind denies.

Like love.

“Those books really make a philosopher out of you.” I rolled my eyes and smirked as I walked back to continue my task of cutting.

She giggled and moved from the window, to the kitchen. Her hands hugged me from behind and she kissed the my nape gently. She was shorter than me, only reached till my shoulder. We stayed like that for a moment, embracing each others warmth before she moved to sit and wait patiently for dinner to finish.

We didn’t have dinner at the end though. I forgot to set time for the chicken, and the chicken was black as ebony. I was horrified but she was laughing, and I end up laughing, before we kissed and making love on the kitchen table.

+

Morning found One Direction on the sofa for the interview. It’s kind of amazing that after all these years the questions are still the same. The ‘what do you thinks’ and ‘how do you feels’ and ‘what is thehighlights’; the whys and whens. They are the same. There are some interesting questions that they add, and all of those are all from the fans’ tweets. I swear, our fans questions are far better than most of shows’ questions. They are the best fans ever.

As usual, Louis and Niall always answer the serious questions. Zayn only answers when he needs to talk, or when he is directed. Liam always there when no one knows how to answer the questions.

“So, I think most of the fans already know by heart about your favourite colours. But, some maybe don’t know.“ The interview pauses, “so guys, what is your favourite colour?” She stopped and looked at me, “Harry?”

Easy. “It’s blue.” I smiled, the smile that shows my deep dimples, and the lads’ voices drift away as they answer while my mind hovering over memory that seems so distant now.

+

She sighed contentedly.

We were at the park, lying side by side on a blanket, with guitar next to me, and a book, ‘The Perks of Being A Wallflower’ just beside her head. She was only halfway through the book.I was under disguise, that’s why people didn’t recognize me.

“You know, if you really want to get out, you should be ugly. That way, we won’t get any attention.” She said, as she pulled out old scarf, old shirt, and specs, the one that like Harry Potter’s one. She gelled my hair, put on a cap on my hat, put the scarf around my neck, which somehow cover half of my face, and put the specs on. After she done, she snorted and the laughed so hard she fell on the floor. I groaned when I looked at myself.

“You know what, I regret it now.” She declared, pulling me out of my reverie.

“What is?”

“I can’t even see your deep handsome dimples!” She said exasperated.

“Served you right” I chuckled.

She sighed again.

After a few minutes of a companion silent, she spoke again. “The sky is so blue.”

I nodded.

“I thought the blue was the colour of love, you see. Not red. Thinking love as red is just silly. You know since it’s the colour of blood, anger, rough and just abusive.”

I just watched the blue clear sky as I listened to her. She always liked this. Saying things that I never thought of.

“While blue, it’s calm, and kind, and forgiving. And for hope," she continued.

“Hope?”

“Yeah. I mean, every day we want and hope the sky to be blue. Not gray.”

I grinned at that, 'remembering' that British is exactly that, gray.

“So, which sounds more like love to you? Red or blue?” She asked me, looking with her hopeful eyes, like she knew what my answer was.

“Blue, I guess,”

“Exactly!” She rose to sit, and looked at me. “And, if there is a blue rose, I will definitely give it to you.”

“Why?” I chuckled as I imagined the non-existent blue roses. But perhaps they do exist, with technologies nowadays, and I took a note to research it once we were home.

“Because, it’s like saying, ‘I love you enough to let you do what you wish, and I’m giving you the choice to pick if you want me or not.’” She grinned and her eyes sparkled when she said that.

 I was amused, because she never said the three words before, not directly. My heart jumped happily at the words and I rose, smiling and beaming at the girl in front of me.

Before she could say another word, I closed the distant between us, and kiss the grin off her face.

When we were apart, I whispered softly, “I think, I love blue.” And she giggled before we kissed again.

At home, I asked her, why do you like blue so much? Why not green?”

“Why green?”

“Well, it’s the colour of my eyes?”

“Yes, but green also the colour of grass. People don’t like grass, that’s why they like to step on them.”

She joked, and screamed when I threw the blanket at her, and tackled her to the floor.

+

I’m so glad when the interview was over, because after this, we are going to see the fans, and seeing them means we are going to sing. I rather use my voice to sing, makes people happy than using my voice to answer questions to make people rich. And fans are more sincere than them.

The company held a competition, weeks ago, and winners have the privilege to see us sing live. We are going to sing our new songs, and some from our previous albums. ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ is a must sing since it was the song that introduced One Direction to the world.

As soon as the stage is ready, and we sit on the provided chairs, Niall strums his guitar, playing a tune we know by heart. It’s from our 5th album, which also took first places in almost every country. We start to sing, letting our voices blended together, creating perfect harmony. I couldn’t deny, our voices are just perfect for each other. We sing while we laugh, smiling at each other as words intertwined together in the air, making their ways to the listening ears.

+

Louis’s apartment was so noisy, as there are voices everywhere. It’s this thing we do whenever we had the time. We went to whoever’s apartment just to hang out, watching movies, playing games, or just simply eating and sleeping. Louis’s was chosen for this particular day.

I brought her over since she was on holiday. Med school always keeps her busy, so this was the time to have fun. Eleanor and Danielle were going to keep her company anyway.

So, we have fun, we got drunk, we sang song, we danced, watched movies and play games. When we were all tired, and the sun was long gone, we just sat there in the living room and just talked.

We talked about music and life. We talked about love and friendship. We talked about forever and always. We grinned and laughed if the stories were funny, and looked down on the floor, with bittersweet smiled on our faces if we talked about sad memories.

It was when the room got silent that Niall start to strum his guitar that she told him to play ‘The One That Got Away’.

She sang that night.

And as she sang away, and as the others joining with her, I wondered why she wanted to sing that song.

It’s a sad song.

I began to have doubt. Was she happy? Was she happy to be with me?

Those questions were churning inside my mind. I was pretty much sure it was just the alcohol. And I knew I was just being ridiculous, it was just a song after all, but I couldn’t help but wonder why.

She grinned at me but her smile faltered when her eyes met mine.

It was when we were home that I asked her why.

“Why that song?”

She was confused at first, but then her expression changed when she knew what it was all about.

“It’s my favourite song. I thought you know?”

“Why? You want to get away? Away from me? Is that it?” I whispered angryly. I was sure I didn’t mean what I said because my mind was fuzzy from that alcohol.

“What is wrong with you?” She asked, her voice rising a little bit. She shook her head. “C’mon, let’s just go to bed, I think you drink too much.” She said softly and grabbed me on the elbow, but I shook her hand.

“Okay. Look, Harry. I like that song very much because it’s sad, and beautiful. I like it because I’m sure it won’t be happening to me and you. I promise you that it won’t happen to us. That it won't becoming the truth. That none of us are going to say ‘the one that got away’. Okay. So, please Harry. Don’t make me hate that song.” Her voice was almost begging.

_Don’t make me hate that song._

Her words kept replaying on my mind, until I understand what she said.

Because when she began to hate that song, there would be no stories of us to write anymore.

That was our first fight, no matter how ridiculous it was. We had more rows sometimes after that, one that much bigger than that. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, and I wasn’t saying it will be perfect, but the words, they were enough to convince me that I really didn’t want to leave her.

I loved her. Very much.

+

It is a fan-meeting moment after the singing. Fans are screaming our name, chanting, until we give response to them. There are so many of them, holding posters, big pictures of us and our names decorate their papers. It is overwhelming yet so exciting.

Five of us are just sitting there, with Zayn to my right and Louis to my left. We sign our albums and pictures for the fans. Sometimes we receive gifts, and sometimes we talk, though it just for seconds. It was so tiring at beginning, but now, after lots of practice we manage to smile and move our hands for a very long time. I like to think it is as my exercise. After all, smiling is like stretching, and it good to keep the baby face look. I really do want to keep my face as young as possible. Ha-ha.

The fans are fun to look at it, actually. There is no denying they are all pretty. But, that’s not the reason why I am amuse. It is their behaviour. Like, how they scream from afar, and scream more in front of our faces. And how they stay silent in front of us, but when they move away after meeting us, they shout their lungs out. They also bring camera to record us. Some ask questions, and some give statement. The screams always the same, but the talking always different. That’s why it’s interesting.

There is this one girl, blond long hair sweep to a side, her nails painted red. She smiles at me.

I thought she is just going to smile while waiting for me to sign the picture but, no. She opens her mouth and says, “Have you heard Lemony Snicket?”

I put a dot at the end of my name and give the picture to her. “Yes”, I replied. Feeling odd at the question.

She just grins, showing her teeth, nods and move to Louis. I watches her talk to Louis for a second, feeling so odd, at her out-of-the-place question and at himself because he feel out of the place all of sudden, before taking another picture to sign for another girl.

 +

“I really really reaaally love this book” The first thing she said since we came to the park. She was reading ‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower’ by Stephen Chvosky for the nth time.

“Hmm hmm”

“No really, this book is very beautiful. It’s about love, and life, and friendship.” She sighed.

“Hmm hmm” It’s the only thing I could say because she said the same thing over and over for everytime she read that book. I just didn’t understand how she could read the same book for more than once. And, she even liked to read the Harry Potter so many times.

“And I really like Charlie. I think, we kinda the same. We both like to read, listening to music, and we both like to read movies.”

“Hmm Hmm” ‘read movies’, that one I agreed because she always give subtitles to every movies she watched, even the English ones. If I didn’t know better, I would think that she had hearing impaired.

“You should really read this.” She recommended as she flipped to another page.

“Hmm hmm.” Again, that’s the only thing I said, because, I wasn’t into book like her.

Annoyed, she stopped reading and glared at me before sighing, shaking her head and continued reading.

I began to play the guitar then. Playing tunes that I knew and humming through it.

We were liked that for few minutes; she read while I hummed, before I opened my mouth and started to sing.

“Take time to realize~”

I strummed the tune to the song.

“That your warmth is~”

She squirmed and I could tell that she was trying to concentrate on reading by the frown lines forming between her eyebrows.

“Crashing down on in~”

She gave up, put down the book and looked at me, smiling before joining in singing, “Take time to realize~”

We sang together, and sang more songs after, but we never finished a single song. Because at the end either one of us would asked to change to another songs. It was fun, and we laughed if we didn’t reach the high note of the song. Sometimes, we just didn’t care singing badly and received glares from the passersby.

We laughed hard, and end up lying next to each other, talking about blue and sky and love.

It was few days later, when she finished the book, she ran to me to find me in the bedroom, panting and threw herself at me, hugging me tightly.

And I thought ‘oh, she read it’

Because at the back of the page of the book I wrote something to her, knowing that she would definitely going to read it, considering her reading habits.

I still remembered what I had written:

_I will love you as a drawer loves a secret compartment, and as a secret compartment loves a secret, and as a secret loves to make a person gasp, and as a gasping person loves a glass of brandy to calm their nerves, and as a glass of brandy loves to shatter on the floor, and as the noise of glass shattering loves to make someone else gasp, and as someone else gasping loves a nearby desk to lean against, even if leaning against it presses a lever that loves to open a drawer and reveal a secret compartment. I will love you until all such compartments are discovered and opened, and until all the secrets have gone gasping into the world._

_― Lemony Snicket_

It’s a quote I found on internet. Reading it, immediately I thought of her, and that’s why I just wrote the quote at the last page of her favourite book.

That night, every brush of fingers and lips, every caress of hair and face and skin, and every touch was like fire.

And that night, I couldn’t remember when I start to fall for her.

+

I am all tired and wasted for the day. As I watch the other lads, I could say the same for them. After shower, I go to Liam’s room, to see all of the boys are already there.

Wrappers all strew on the floor. Louis is laughing with Zayn to something he accepted from a fan. It is a compilation of his picture, but all of his head are bigger than the body. Creative, and funny.

Liam is then walking out of the kitchen holding cans of drink for us, with Niall follow him behind, with a bowl of chips in his hands, while eating it.

This is what we do everytime after a fan-meeting, reading letters and unwrapping gifts. I walk to Niall, and stuff the chips in my mouth before sitting down in front of a pile of my gifts.

I have a mug with my face printed on it, t-shirts, shades, a book with pictures from the fans showing how they support us from the beginning, jigsaws, more t-shirts, stuff toys – mostly of cats, Larry-things, and so many more that I haven’t unwrap.

As I start to tear one of the wrapping gifts, Louis is laughing so hard while Zayn is hitting him with a book in his hand. I try to focus what the book is and it is ’50 Shades of Gray’ and start to laugh as well.

Because, really, it is a porn book, and Zayn has like 20 of them already. It all started since that tweetcam or is it in an interview; where he said he like that book. He actually had not finished reading the book when he said that, turn out it is about kinky sex bibliography. He loves it nevertheless, and so is Niall. Maybe Liam as well, but he just doesn’t want to admit it. Louis and I are just too lazy to read to like it.

So now, just like how carrots are for Louis, the books are for Zayn.

+

It was Christmas morning, she and I sitting at the feet of the Christmas tree we had decorated couple days ago, with three different stars on top of it. It was because we couldn’t decide which star was the best, that we ended up bought all of them. The tree was sort of messy, but I like it enough to take a picture of it and sent it to twitter. ‘Funny tree for funny girl’ I typed.

She unwrapped her presents from her family, friends, colleagues as well from the lads, while I did mine. She screamed so loud that I winced when she receive a series of books, which I really couldn’t care less what the books are. 

“You and books” I sighed. She just giggled, hands were on another present.

After all the presents were unwrapped, which were a lot, to my surprise; it was time for us to give each other a present.

She held out her hands, palms facing the ceiling, smiling and blinking at me, waiting for me to hand her the present.

I put it on her hand, before she then handed me my present.

We unwrapped the presents at the same time.

As I finished tearing off the wrapper, it revealed a box. I took of the lid, and there are two things inside. A tie, and a very small book, but made as a keychain. It was very small that I could just hold it in my fist.

“A tie? And a book keychain?“ I never had a tie, and I rarely read books, so, what was she on about?

“A tie, because I never saw you wearing a tie, and I really wanna see you wearing one. And, I wanna try to put a tie on you. It always look romantic on TV” She blinked innocently to me. “And the book, why don’t you read it first.”

I opened the book, and inside there a quotes on every page. Quotes like ‘They can because they think they can ‘ and ‘Failures to heroic minds are the stepping stones to success ‘.

She smiles widely. “It’s so small so you can bring it everywhere. So, when something makes you sad, or tired, just read it, and you will be motivated.” She said it proudly.

I just nodded and sighed.

She laughed when she heard me sighing. “C’mon, it’s not that bad.”

They weren’t the best presents ever, but it was from her. And I knew for sure that she was thinking of me when she thought of what to buy. Thinking of me as she walked from one shop to another shop. Thinking of me when she bought the presents. Thinking of me when she wrapped them. Thinking of me after she's done. Thinking of me as she asked herself whether I will like it or not. Because that was just who she is.

That just enough to bring smile to my face, even though I still despise reading.

“A tab? Really?” She raised one of her eyebrows.

I laughed. “I do know you like to read, and I do know you don’t want this because you like the smell of books’ pages, but. But, this will save you money, and space in your bag, and in our rooms. And, and, you don’t have to cover the cover of your book if you feel embarrass to read in the public, like how you cover that ‘5O shades’ series.”

She was tomato red by now, before hit me with the tab, as I laughed my heart out.

“Okay. Okay. Stop. Don’t we have one more present to give?”

“Yeah” She stopped, but hit me again once I started to laugh. Again.

“Ow. Okay, okay, stop now.”

“I swear if you laugh again I am going to kill you with that tie. Ha!”

I stopped though the remaining of the laughters still there.

“Ready?”

She nodded.

“On three. One..two..three”

Then we produced the rings, one on her palm and one one my palm. The silver band was held like lockets, with silver chains. It was the same rings, which we bought together. After paying, we took each of the rings, and going to engrave words on it.

“So” she started, looked down, and face was flushed, “I am going to love you like how Snape loves Lily. Always.” Yeap, always a potterhead. I took the ring, and ‘Always’ was engraved on it. I smiled, really smiled, because that was the first time ever she directly said the words to me.

“Always, and forever” I gave the ring, with the word forever on it, on my hand to her.

She grinned, and we stared, before laughing for the cheesiness of the situation.

Days after that, inside the bands, there were ‘The Hayley Styles’ were engraved, which was our names combined but inspired by the ‘Oppa Gangnam Styles’. I laughed whenever I read the words.

+

Two days left. Two days left and I will be home, home to London. The five of us are now allow to go shopping. I really don’t have anything to buy, so I spend my money more on food.

I do end up in a souvenir shop though, buying things for my mom, my dad, Gemma, buying extra for her in case she wants to give some to her friends. It takes time to find something that are different than the one I bought for them the last time I was here, and the last and the last. As I was waiting for the cashier to finish counting, my eyes caught a bowl of small fishes swimming around a jar that was put in the middle of the bowl. It was creative for a tip jar.

I put the change in the jar before walking out of the shop.

+

It’s 30 minutes to midnight, and it’s going to be a new year. Usually, Hayley and I were at someone’s party, drunk, or at hers or mine’s parent’s house, celebrating the new years. But tonight, we decided to celebrate just the two of us.

She was sitting in front of me, at the balcony, drinking hot tea. A not-too-big jar was in the middle of the circular table between us. The night was so cold, so we decided to draped blankets on our body. She had her hair tied up, flushed cheeks and nose red from the cold.

Along the year, we decided to put every good memories, any good things that happened, in that jar, written on colourful paper. She found this idea on the internet, and happily showed this to me. That' when we decided to do this.

“Okay, lets start” She grinned and put her legs on chair, sitting Indian-style. “You first”

I put my hand in the jar, took one piece of red, small cut paper and I knew at once it was her handwriting. “Finally got my hands on the LV bag!! My babyyyy~~” I read the words mimicking her voice.  A total fail if I might add.

“Oh god. Please don't do that again.” She said over my laughter.

“I can't believe you wrote this”

“It's not just an LV bag, okay. I've been looking for it for a long time now” She defended, agreeing it was kind of ridiculous. “Okay, now, my turn” She picked one, and as if arranged, it was mine. “My solo is no 1!!” She read, complete with a hand rose above her head.

We went on and on, reading our happy moments; big moments, small and trivial moments. Sometimes we picked our own paper, sometimes we tried to recall the moment, reliving the moment. I watched her as she was telling the story of how her friends arguing with each other that it scared her only to find it was just an elaborate prank for her surprise birthday party. I remembered that time. One direction was in Australia, doing another concert, and she called me that night, crying while telling the story, clearly happy. I listened and chuckled, and I imagined her pouting face when I wished her a happy birthday from Australia, not able to celebrate her birthday together. We laughed, and for a moment, we forgot it was the new year's eve, until both of our phones' alarms went off, signaling the 12 midnight mark.

“Happy New Year!!” We said together and smiling at each other. Her hair was a mess now, my nails were purple from the cold, and no doubt our teas were not warm anymore, but it was perfect.

Later that night, I took a small cut paper, and wrote this night before putting it in the now empty jar.

+

The driver pick them up by the time Harry arrived to the other boys. There are fans with them, and Harry take his place by their side, smiling. It was a habit now. Smiling to the fans, to the cameras.

We get on the black van, waving to the fans as we drive past them. Inside the van, each one of us show off the things we bought, especially the odd and unique ones. Liam bought this spiderman mask that somehow got an LED stored inside. He puts it on, and press the button, and green light blinked on and off, on and of f, where the eyes are. He then sing the 's piderman, spiderman' song off tune. I roll my eyes but chuckle nevertheless. Zayn bought a fedora, Niall bought an ukelele, not sure why when he have tons at home, and Louis bought slippers that don't match. I show them the food that I bought and smirk knowingly at their starry eyes, and I satisfy with the reaction.

The loud honks surprise us and we then realise we stuck on the road. It takes an hour to reach the cause of the jam. I see the police cars and traffic police before the two cars that crashed. Everything then on my sight all at once. The blood, the stretches, the hand that dangling, the ambulance.

I panicked. I panicked. I can't breathe. Because I remember.

“Hey Harry. Harry. Look at me!. Harry!”

Only then I see Louis. He is in front of me, now my eyes are not on the scene anymore. “Look at me.” He said once again.

I close my eyes. Breathe in, counting to 5, holding to 6, and exhale counting to 8. I repeat this twice more before opening my eyes.

Worries etch on the lads' face because they know. I try to smile, to make the worries go away.

And I succeeded. I smile.

Because, before, when the same thing happen, I ended up panicking again, retching until I see stars.

The boys seem confuse at first, but Louis is the first to understand and form a small smile. He reaches out his hand and pats me on the shoulder.

Its been more than a year now and I think it's time to make decision.

+

“I am sorry. We will try our best.” The doctor said before Hayley's mother wailed loudly. Her father leaned on the wall, muffling his sobs behind his two hands. I blinked to remove the blurs, and I felt the droplets of tear trailed down my cheeks.

An hour ago, Hayley's mother called me, sobbing into the phone, saying that Hayley was involved in an accident. She was buying groceries, she said, and was on the way home when the taxi she was in slipped due to the slippery road and crashed with another car. She injured her head in the accident.

Hayley's in comatose.

The doctor didn't know if she will awake or not.

He said if.

If.

I walked away, from her parents, from her family, from my family, from the boys and their girlfriends, and no ones dared to stop me. I walked away, not daring to go outside as I sure the paps were probably outside, and reached the emergency stairs. I sat there, letting my tears flow freely.

I sat there for hours. Praying, and praying, and praying.

+

London. My country, a place where I was born, a place where I call home. One Direction is on a break, only for a week, now that we finished our concert in New York. I see my family in Cheshire after the company given us the permission. I plan to stay there for as long as our break.  The boys have the same idea as me, it seems.

I hug my mom as soon as I stepped in the house. I give them the stuff I bought, and curse silently when I found out there are some stuff that I bought that are the exact same as the ones I bought last time. What a waste of money to be honest.

Dinner is fun, as I tell them my experience, exaggerate a little bit here and there and the food is awesome. It is always the best when my mom cook.

Night fall fast when we are having fun. Just like how Gilderoy Lockhart had said in the Harry Potter movie. His exact words are “Spooky how the time flies when one's having fun.”

+

“Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” She quote the Bertrand Russel when we eat China take out while having Harry Potter movie marathon. She smiled sheepishly at me before tickling me on the floor.

The food and movie then forgotten.

+

I sigh at the memories that now come like a lightning, quick and sudden. I lie on my bed and look at the ceiling. Its been more than a year now since the accident. The doctors tried their best, but, the end result is still the same. They couldn't wake her up.

Its been more than a year now, and Hayley's body living off the fluids and the oxygen mask. And Hayley's family just lose hope.

+

“Wow. This girl is strong.” Hayley said as she only a few pages in the beginning.

“Who is?” I looked up from writing a song for One Direction next album. She was reading 'The Fault in Our Stars'.

“Hazel Grace” She answered. “She is not afraid of oblivion. Wow.”

I frowned, because what?

I wanted to ask more but I can tell she was burying herself in the book's reality now to care about her surrounding.

I sigh and continued with my song.

+

I read that book. 'The Fault in Our Star'. Still not finished though. You would thought that Hayley's hobby of reading would rub on me but no, you thought wrong. I still can't find myself to finish one book. 

Hayley is always there to tell me all the stories she have read. This one though, she never get the chance. But I do understand what she meant that day. Hazel Grace is a strong woman. Unlike me; the fact that I am Harry Styles of One Direction is enough for a prove.  

Hayley's mother called the day before I went to New York. She said, in her calming voice, that they are going to let her go. She is just needing my permission. There was silence after that, and I do the breathing routine to calm my nerve, and said that I will give her my answer after new york.

I grab my phone, and see that it is 22:00. Its late but I made my decision.

+

_“Love is wanting and giving, that love is the two sides of the same coin.”_

+

I dial Hayley's mother's number.

+

_“If there is a blue rose, I will definitely give it to you.”_

+

My other hand grab the ring on my necklace as I wait for the sound of the ring.

+

_“I promise you that it won’t happen to us.”_

+

One ring. Two rings. Three rings.

+

_“Always, and forever”_

+

She picked up, “Hello?”

+

+

+

I didn't go to the funeral.

I didn't cry either.

I can't even get myself to care what the paps might say, or what people might say.

It doesn't matter anyway.

For now, I am at our apartment, me and Hayley's, browsing through our things. I am not sure what I am trying to find, or, what I want to accomplish here.

It doesn't feel good, knowing that it was me that made the final decision, even though it's not base on my decision alone. But, somehow, I find myself relief by letting her go, that knowing this is the best. For her. And for me.

I sit on the couch, and see the John Green's book, and remember Hazel Grace and oblivion. And I am sure Hayley wants – wanted to be strong like her. But who was I kidding, both of us are afraid of oblivion, both of us want to be remembered, both of us want people to know that we existed, that we leave footprints on this planet.

But its okay, its okay.

Because, Hayley, you have me. You have me to remember you for the rest of my life.

As dawn creeps in, I finally understand what Charlie in 'The Perks of Being A Wallflower' meant. That this is my life. I am both happy and sad, but, I _figured_ it out how that could be. 

  


**Author's Note:**

> okay. so thats that. um.
> 
> any feedbacks/comments; Loves, Hates, Criticisms, Compliments, anything at all, is appreciated


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